The Glasgow kiss - in Australia

The disconsolate look of the Scottish fan

As a long-suffering Scotland supporter, I'm used to the humiliations of defeat. It's not just the losses, though. Our soccer team has set a low bar and consistently failed to meet it, such as when they tied the mighty Faroe Islands, a nation of 14,000 which lists whaling as its main industry and whose players were mainly part-time teachers.

Scotland is equally capable of turning infrequent victory glory into disaster, however. In 1985 all Scotland needed to do was tie Wales in order to get into a play-off game that would eventually see them qualify for the World Cup the following year. When the final whistle blew on the 1-1 game, the pub erupted into ecstatic celebration and songs promising eternal glory in the cup. After a few minutes somebody shouted out, "Jock's down."

Jock Stein, the beloved coach of the national team, had suffered a heart attack and died at the stadium.

As an aside, I arrived in Germany that summer to work at a factory. My host, and later good friend, Michael, picked me up at the airport and took me to his home. Within five minutes of meeting this family, the Germany-Scotland game kicked off. After 18 minutes Scotland took the lead and I danced a rude dance and dreamed impossible dreams, irritating my German hosts. It took all of five minutes for Germany to equalize. Germany won.

The Bravehearts of 1977.

When Scotland beat England at Wembley in soccer in 1977 the Scots, who were in the vast majority at the London stadium, invaded the field. They took it home to Scotland with them: the goal posts, the grass, everything. Not precisely a classy way to win, but I remember we were all extremely proud of them.

At last year's Rugby World Cup, my 15-year-old son Morgan received a quick and brutal initiation into the Scottish Club of Pain. The boys in blue were ahead for most of the game, until they conceded a try with a couple of minutes to go - and lost by one point. The Scots were devasted; Morgan, who was born in America, asked if it was OK if he didn't support Scotland anymore. And why, indeed, would any father wish such a thing on his son?

All this is by way of introducing the latest chapter in Scotland's long history of making something other than a rare victory the main story line. Earlier this week Scotland beat the mighty Australian rugby team, ranked number 2 in the world, on their home soil. This made me a pretty popular guy in New Zealand, where they cheer for two teams: the All Blacks and anyone who's playing Australia. Having been born in Scotland, I apparently had something to do with the result.

All pretty good stuff, right?

The price of victory

 Well, yes. Except that the Scots in their exuberant celebrations - something they are not exactly practiced at - managed to make buffoons of themselves. A big celebration erupted. Two of the Scots rushed in to join the scrum ... and managed to headbutt each other. Both fell to the ground like felled trees, one required stitches, the other had his noggin taped up and had a suspected concussion. Smooth, boys. Real smooth.

OK, so the video of the incident is actually pretty funny. The Aussie commentator sounds as if he's going to piddle his pants a little bit. And of course the Aussie papers used the image and had a good giggle. So they got to focus on how funny Scotland was rather than the "humiliation" of the defeat - as the headlines referred to it.

And that's how the Scots roll:, never getting to strut - even if it's just for an evening.